


And We All Fall

by liirin



Category: Lost in Translation (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Dark, Depression, How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:35:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28371750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liirin/pseuds/liirin
Summary: And so instead of lyrics, he will write words that do not belong to him. He will take the hate he doesn’t deserve. One more “I’m sorry” is nothing when everyone can see the hard work that his members put in. If it will allow Mayhem to shoot to the stratosphere, then the cost being something so simple as his identity, his dignity, his own being, would be a small price to pay… at least he thought it was
Comments: 5
Kudos: 35





	1. Fallen

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work on AO3! I hope you like it!!!
> 
> And whether it is life, love, or ourselves, we all fall.

And so instead of lyrics, he will write words that do not belong to him. He will take the hate he doesn’t deserve. One more “I’m sorry” is nothing when everyone can see the hard work that his members put in. If it will allow Mayhem to shoot to the stratosphere, then the cost being something so simple as his identity, his dignity, his own being, would be a small price to pay… at least he thought it was.

If he truly believed that, then why is he sitting in this room where it is getting harder and harder to breathe. Why is he not calling someone as his eyes get heavy? Why did he decide to time the emails to send when it would be far too late for anyone to get to him?

When did it happen that comments took over and whispers in his head became actions to make those bright red lines across his wrist escalate? He was an idol (or was he?). That body that he occupies does not belong to him. It’s the equipment belonging to High Class Entertainment. He was Wyld (but that’s not true at all). He supposed they should add thief alongside womanizer to those headlines.

Jaewon, not Wyld, looked up at the ceiling, his still-wet, recently dyed black hair partially blocking his vision. He was being completely selfish, and he knew that. His head fell to the side as he looked at the two, now empty, pill containers that were once filled which he had taken in overdose. His pills for his insomnia and his codeine pills for the migraines that never seemed to stop these days. The burning coal on the stove was a protective measure to make sure the job was done.

It’s not like Jaewon wanted to die. It’s just that death was the only choice he had. He couldn’t leave but staying was still too painful to bear. Necklaces became chokers and chokers became chains that he could not escape from, and he would do the one thing he could in order to take back the control that was ripped from him when he was too young to understand what it meant when he signed that contact.

His body was numb, but his chest was still burning with emotions. Tears leaked from his eyes, uncomfortably falling into his ears, but his arms were far too heavy to wipe them away. His tears became sobs that wracked his body in a matter of seconds. He finally allowed himself to let go of the emotions that had been building up in the four years that he would not allow himself to feel, that he kept to himself when things got too much. He could see past the pills to the photos that he set on the table to watch as he parted from this world that left more hate towards him than good will. Mayhem’s debut photo was in one photo frame; a photo of his mother, stepfather, little sibling, and himself was in the other.

_Mom… I’m so sorry._

She doesn’t deserve this. She doesn’t deserve such a weak son who crumbled under the pressure of a career that he chose for himself. “Mom… I’m sorry I won’t be coming home after this comeback. I love you.” He left on her voicemail. She would be okay, though. She would have her new husband and a new child to take his place (that child will never replace him in his mother’s heart, and he knows that).

If he loved music and mayniacs so much, how could he do this? How could he allow himself to take the pills that he once thought would help him become happier? How could he keep breathing in this air that was burning his lungs and causing him to drift to sleep? Were the comments too much? Was he lying to the CEO when he said that he could take it? Was he lying to Mayhem when he said that he was okay? He was doing this all for them, right?

_The publicity they get from this will be great, right? I’m doing this for them. ~~No, that’s not true. I couldn’t take it anymore.~~_

Blinking soon became an incredible effort for Jaewon as he laid there. Slowly, ever so slowly, he just… drifted to sleep. The pillow beneath his head was soaked with the tears he allowed nobody else to see.

_This… This is for the best. ~~I don’t want to die~~._

Jaewon’s mother awoke to the voicemail from her son.

Police were called.

Dae woke in a cold sweat from a nightmare he can’t remember.

Sirens were blaring

Minsoo woke to a phone call.

Cameras were flashing.

Dongho woke to Minsoo.

Mayhem’s name was in headlines.

Jaewon’s email reached them (too late) at 9:00am.

"Finally, I can write my own words.

And yet, I am still saying,

I’m sorry.

I thought I could take the hate.

I thought I could be strong enough for Mayhem.

I was wrong. I’m weak.

I’ve been weak for so long.

I think it is better without me.

I wish I could say I did my best, but

There has been a pressure on my chest for so long now.

It has held me back.

I know there won’t be many to grieve.

And if all I cause are negative emotions,

Then isn’t it much better for me to be gone.

I wish there was a better reason for me to do this, but really,

I want to die as Jaewon,

But Wyld is swallowing me.

I couldn’t find Jaewon anymore.

To Mayniacs, I’m sorry.

I couldn’t be honest with you.

And that, in itself, is a betrayal.

And I am so sorry to Mayhem,

I cannot be on stage with you anymore.

I wanted to be friends.

I wanted to walk beside you all

Yet my legs dragged behind you.

And I think…

It is much better this way.

Where Wyld no longer exists

And neither does Jaewon."

* * *

** Wyld of Mayhem found dead in old Dormitory.  **

**_Fans of the group, Mayhem, are shocked as they wake up today to the news that the group’s resident playboy and womanizer committed suicide in the dormitory that Mayhem used to reside._ **

**_Wyld, or Ahn Jaewon, debuted with the group Mayhem on 7 June 2017. Right from the start, he was known for scandals and being a womanizer. He released countless apologies over the four years that Mayhem has been a group, and the online community has been torn between mourning and celebrating he is gone._ **

**_There are conflicting reports on how he died, but it was reported from an inside source that Wyld’s mother called concerned…._ **

**_ Click to read more on Suumpi… _ **

* * *

**|** This article is so disrespectful!!! They’re even calling him a playboy and womanizer in death! **@mayhemsmaniac**

 **|** _reply to **@mayhemsmania**_ **c** I mean… he was a womanizer and playboy **@kayyyybabyyyyy**

 **|** _reply to **@mayhemsmaniac**_ Wyld was no good for Mayhem anyways. This way there will be a lot less scandals. **@liirin**

 **|** _reply to **@liirin**_ _Comment has been deleted._

**_Click to see more replies…_ **

**|** Wow, I wanted him out of Mayhem, but I didn’t want him dead. **@D.MinsWife**

**|** This is all those cruel netizen’s fault. They kept telling Wyld to kill himself, and now this world is missing one of the most talented third gen idols **@wildformayhem**

**|** I can’t believe this!!! I just took a picture with him yesterday! I saw him at a pharmacy. He seemed tired but not like he would kill himself! **@kpopfang1rl**

**~~|~~** ~~reply to **@kpopfang1rl** Hi can we reach out to you to discuss your interaction with Wyld yesterday? **@suumpinews**~~

**|** Well there goes another kpop artist committing suicide. Why am I not surprised? **@Dannyboi09568342**

 **|** So insensitive! Why are you even here?! **@taekook4evr**

**_Click to see more comments…_ **

* * *

_Tomorrow is promised to no one, but damn does the loss hurt._


	2. Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being strong means you have to show when you are weak, and Minsoo had never felt weaker in his life.

**Falling – Minsoo**

Minsoo woke to a phone call. That would be nothing new, of course, but the phone call came in at 6:24am on their day off which came so rarely since Mayhem had grown extremely popular in the past two years.

**Manager Park**

Manager Park’s voice sounded scratchy in a way that caused dread to begin building in his stomach. There was something different in his voice that caused dread to build in him that he has never felt before. He tried to lighten the tone of the conversation to hide his bad feelings. He was used to that as the leader.

“Jaewon is _gone_ ”

Minsoo felt his stomach drop. There was some conversation, but even years in the future, he would not be able to recall what was said. He could hear Manager Park, but he could hear the blood rushing through his ears much louder.

“Jaewon-ah… he… they found him in your old dorm…”

The ground which once felt so stable underneath Mayhem’s leader’s feet was gone. There was only air, and instead of soaring or flying like he had felt recently despite their packed schedule and exhausting practices, he was falling. Falling fast, in the worst way possible, and nothing was slowing his descent.

_How can the days change so dramatically? Didn’t they just finish promotions for their comeback?_

“He committed suicide… They found him this morning”

This morning? Where was he this morning? Everyone went out to celebrate their break. Is that why Wyld did not want to join them at the bar? No …. No, no, no, no, no. He is Mayhem’s leader. Why didn’t he insist that Wyld came with them? As a leader he should have done that.

_Why didn’t I do that? ~~Because it’s what I’ve always done~~._

A leader, a leader, a leader. The leader of Mayhem. He is Mayhem’s leader. When did things become like this? When was the last time he talked to Wyld? When was the last time they had a conversation about themselves, how they were feeling? Wyld always listened to him, but when did he listen to Wyld? When was the last time they actually discussed something more than dance practice or the comeback schedule? When was the last time…?

“Okay… There will be a car picking you all up.”

_What?_

Mayhem… He is Mayhem’s leader. It’s his job to tell the others. The others need to know. What did they need to know again? Jaewon. They need to know Jaewon… Jaewon-ah…

Minsoo wiped his eyes to get rid of the blurriness only to see tears he didn’t know were forming on his hand. He can’t cry right now. He the leader. He needs to be strong. The others, Dongho and Daehyun, they need to be told.

_Was Wyld even depressed?_

There is no way Wyld would be depressed. There must be some kind of mistake. Mayhem’s career was at an all-time high at the moment. They were all the top idols in Korea making the most money, living the high life. They were finally able to all move out of that stuffy dorm and get their own penthouses. They were keeping the dorm, of course, but when was the last time he visited there? His last live on V App, right?

_I knew he was there, but I didn’t say anything more than hi. I didn’t even say goodbye. Why didn’t I say goodbye?_

He thinks he called Dongho first, and then Daehyun. He doesn’t remember. The next few minutes were a blur. He was Mayhem’s leader, so he needs to be strong (but strong leaders are allowed to cry too).

He was at Dongho’s apartment. When did he get here? Didn’t he call him? If he did, then why was Dongho staring at him with confused, tired eyes. Why was he not dressed? The car is coming to pick them up soon. They need to get ready. There will be a lot to do.

_I’m Mayhem’s leader. I need to be strong._

Dongho was on the phone with someone when Minsoo finally snapped out of the haze that was clouding his mind. The conversation ended suddenly, and Dongho was tense. He punched the wall next to him before he slid down the wall with his head in his hands. Minsoo finally stood up and walked over to him. He wrapped his arms around him and pulled him to his chest. Dongho could feel his leader’s tears in his head, and likewise, Minsoo could feel his shirt becoming wet with Dongho’s tears.

_Daehyun-ah… Did Daehyun-ah know?_

Minsoo thinks he called, but then again, he thought he called Dongho, and he doesn’t know if he did. The car picked them both up from Dongho’s penthouse before they headed for Daehyun. Daehyun’s apartment was closest to the company building. It made it easier for him to slip into the streets to busk. Yes, Daehyun still liked to occasionally surprise fans by busking on the sidewalk – no matter how much it angered Manager Park and others in the company. He knew what Daehyun liked, but what does Wyld like? What did Wyld do for fun other than getting into trouble with the media? Were his actions a cry for help?

_As a leader I ignored those cries for help and just looked at him as a troublemaker. ~~But why could he not recall Jaewon actually causing the trouble headlines said he did?~~_

When they arrived at Daehyun’s apartment, it seemed he was already awake. He was missing his signature glasses, and Minsoo could see the bags beneath his eyes forming. He looked ill and confused on why he and Dongho were there. Minsoo could see his eyes looking behind them to see if Wyld was there before he focused on them. Daehyun’s eyes widened when he actually took in the appearance of his hyungs. Minsoo doesn’t know who finally opened their mouth and told him, but he would always remember how violently Daehyun’s actions were in response to the news. He dropped the mug of tea that was in his hands and vomited. Minsoo and Dongho caught him before he fell to the ground on the broken glass, and Minsoo wanted to cry at the agony he knew his maknae was in, but he wouldn’t, not right now.

_I need to be a strong leader. I can’t break down, now. My members need me, ~~and if I focus on myself for a moment, I don’t know if I could take it~~. _

Minsoo thinks they arrived at the company around 7:30, but he couldn’t be too sure. There was a rush of activity as soon as they stepped out of the car in front of High-Class Entertainment’s new building. Minsoo would have to deal with the paparazzi when they finally found out, he realized.

The sobs were gut wrenching. Daehyun was dry heaving into an empty trash can as they finally heard the developments of what happened. Dongho had silent tears coming from his eyes with a frustrated look on his face. And Minsoo? He, well, he was shutting off his emotions. At least for now. He was… he was…

_How dare I call myself a leader when one of the people I was supposed to lead is dead and gone and my members are sitting here in pain?_

****

Something inside of Minsoo broke. He suddenly began sobbing in the meeting room that was missing an important person who would never be entering again. His members enveloped him in a hug, and he accepted it. He could still be a strong leader even if they could see him like this, but being a leader was not as important as grieving with each other over the loss of a friend. Because no matter if they were business partners, idols, or a group, they were friends and brothers first and foremost. They didn’t need him to be a leader right now. They had lost someone so valuable to them. They needed their friend and brother. They needed to grieve, and that is infinitely more important at the moment.

**Jaewon’s email reached them (too late) at 9:00am.**

* * *

Jaewon died sometime between 1:21 and 2:30 am on June 14th, 2021; one week after Mayhem’s fourth anniversary, and right when they thought nothing could bring them down. He died alone, both in that dorm and in his mind.

* * *

Being strong means you have to show when you are weak, and Minsoo had never felt weaker in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minsoo was so hard for me to write for some reason T^T. Dongho will be so much harder, though. Surprisingly, Dae was the easiest perspective of this for me to write, and I am almost done writing his chapter, but there is a certain order that I want things to go in. 
> 
> Well, thank you for reading, and please let me know if there are any mistakes!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it! Please tell me what you think and if there were mistakes. But thank you for taking the time to read! I plan on making a few more chapters for the aftermath and maybe one bonus chapter, but this won't be very long. Thanl you once again! 〜liirin


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